How 2 Slytherin, Part I


Hello and welcome to Mari’s Strong Opinions About Slytherin House: A Saga. Our first step towards understanding of what is arguably the most misunderstood Hogwarts house is to discuss what it means to be a Slytherin, from the vantage point of an actual bona fide 2000% Slytherin, a.k.a. Yours Truly. Because guys, my people deserve justice. And if we don’t receive that justice, there will be consequences.

Slytherin =/= Evil

Guys. Guys. Not all Slytherins are necessarily evil. EVIL is not what encapsulates the Slytherin existence, although we have no qualms about this alignment whatsoever. Pls look to your left and observe that Slytherin = ambition, leadership, cunning, and charisma. It is not our fucking fault that many villains in literature and film also subscribe to these character traits. Nor is it our fucking fault that Rowling wrote practically every villain in the Harry Potter series as a member of our illustrious House. (I have always had issues with this but I will not delve into that hot mess at this time.)

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Trash vs. Garbage: Lesson 2


At this point, we expect you understand us when we oh-so-affectionately refer to something as trash. Right? Good. If not, educate yourself.

Okay, Anne, I get it, trash is good but could you like, I don’t know, explain garbage.

Yeah, you trashcan, I can definitely do that, chill.


Example: all that is pictured above? Garbage. The word chill is borderline trash but since it’s pixelated and that annoys me, I’m putting it fully under GARBAGE.

Garbage is when someone or something is so odiously awful that you are left with no other choice but to get rid of it, because it is not worth keeping in your life.

To illustrate our point, we have the following examples for your perusal:

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Trash vs. Garbage: Lesson 1


If you plan on lingering here in this den of iniquity, the first and most vital concept you need to grasp is the difference between trash and garbage. In all honesty, until you master the crucial life skill of sorting the trash from the garbage, we can’t make much progress.

But wait, you loons! Trash IS garbage!

First of all, how dare you? Trash is NOT garbage. Begin your education by purging this ridiculous idea from your brain. Trash and garbage are not synonymous with one another. In fact, they exist on opposite sides of the spectrum. Unlike garbage, trash is adorable, often sickeningly so. Trash brings joy. It is ludicrous and entertaining and incredibly dumb, all at the same time.


We love trash. For us, trash is a way of life. Things we love are labeled as trash and people we love are affectionately referred to as trash.  To be praised for being trash is an honor. To be dubbed a trashcan is also a high honor. It means you are so unbelievably trashy that you might as well be the actual trash receptacle. Conversely, to be derided as garbage is utter shame. Trash = positive. Garbage = negative. If you can’t understand this, you might be A) garbage or B) an old. I’m sorry.

You’re not really sorry.

No, I’m not. I rarely ever am. Also, here are some examples of trash for your edification:

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