Aly’s guide to Fire Emblem: if #2

Your Butler Takes No Shit or Welcome Joker

Aly and Salem are back for another round of educational trash guides about the upcoming Fire Emblem If.

What he said.

Today we are talking about Joker the Butler, your main man for tea, murder and sass-out-of-control. For some unknown reason he’s been dubbed as ‘Jacob’ in the localization which we will consider an offense to Hot Linguistics (c) and generally ignore.
http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/fireemblem/images/d/da/Joker_portrait.png/revision/20150620161052
Oh my gouache. This is a game about sin.

 

Joker’s defining traits are his devotion to his master and absolute indifference to everyone else. He’s the true Slytherin of the Fire Emblem, rivaled, perhaps, only by his son Dia (we’ll talk about this trash masterpiece too). He knows his worth and let’s everybody else know it too. When he’s in the good mood. When he’s not in the good mood he just ignores all these lesser beings that he has to contend with. The perfect example of that is his C-support with Rinka:

 

DSC_0041
No shit has been taken in this support.

 

Rinka:
Joker: Isn’t that Rinka, the daughter of the isolationist Flame tribe.
Rinka: If it’s just small talk, leave. You’re an eyesore.
Joker: While I really don’t have any particular business with you, I am free to leave or stay as I please. And I certainly don’t remember having to receive orders from you.
Rinka: Since when are pet dogs so self-important…
Joker: What did you call me?
Rinka: Why, are you going to do something about it?
Joker: Not really. I have no time for cheap provocations.
Rinka:

 

This could be the shortest support on the Hoshido side…

 

You ungrateful animal

 

Joker’s marriage proposals are also quite entertaining. Ladies and genteleman, may I present you with the ultimate proposal algorithm as developed by the royal butler Joker:

 

Step 1: Ask them if they’re busy and whether you should come at a later time.
Step 2: Propose.
Step 3: Smile politely while they talk themselves into it.
Step 4: Success!

 

https://i.ytimg.com/vi/_WYcjT20o7k/maxresdefault.jpg
You are welcome.

 

Now the ultimate result of the marriage will be another Slytherin trashcan – Dia. Unlike his father, who’s ready to dress anyone in throwing knives, Dia is more of a sneaky laziness type. Swinging weapons is hard and unsanitary so he’ll just poison your food instead. He’ll also apologise if you find out before you die. Generally, people like him a lot.

 

“On my way to steal your Kamui, Father”

 

And let’s not forget the ultimate dynamic between these two: rivalry.

 

Joker vs. Dia, or, as I like to call it, Tea vs. Coffee (do you really think I’m joking?). Dia has none of his father’s insecurities (shhhhhhhhhhh) and he doesn’t hold back: “I’m a better butler than you, Father. Also people like me. Now pass the coffee beans, please.

 

CALL THE BURN UNIT

 

DSC_0040
The standard Joker – Dia conversation. Joker is singing opera in the best Nohrian fashion. Dia is posing for a cover of his memoirs “It’s Hard Being Successful”

 

 Next time: S is for Marriage or Don’t learn it the hard way like I did
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Aly

Art Sorceress at Trash HQ
The youngest of the bros. Survives mainly on video games, Japanese and art. Will ride at dawn for her bros.

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One thought on “Aly’s guide to Fire Emblem: if #2

  1. I’m crying, gOODBYE HAHAHAKJHDFKJHKHSDF

    ALSO I’M STILL PISSED THEY CHANGED HIS NAME TO JACOB

    ALSO DIA IS A TRASHCAN FAREWELL

    Thank u Alybro for preparing me for the coming trash storm

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